When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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