I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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