dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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