Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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