I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
