the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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