my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
