So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize