Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
we're so committed to being not committed
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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