Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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