I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
