Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
