I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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