We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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