Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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