I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
