Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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