I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
