i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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