Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
