Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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