literally had 100 drinks last night.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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