69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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