I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I need a beard to bite.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
