And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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