I'm so fucking centered right now
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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