Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
