I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have already put on my inside pants.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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