We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
