you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
