blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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