I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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