After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
