how can u be prego again
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
