The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize