Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
