I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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