It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Randomize
