This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
