So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
