he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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