after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
