Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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