After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
