Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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