this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
