What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
