I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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