I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
