i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
