How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
