I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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