You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
