i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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