Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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