Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
