Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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