The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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